


She Doesn't Know Who I Am

by tidesandtrees



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Music Store, Ben the Emo Kid, Childhood Trauma, Explicit Language, F/M, Implied/Referenced Underage Relationship(s), No canon age gap, Poe the wingman, Rey the Transfer Student, underage crime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:14:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22247674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tidesandtrees/pseuds/tidesandtrees
Summary: Modern AU Reylo. Ben works in a record shop and is just trying to fly under the radar as best he can until high school graduation. Transfer student Rey makes it difficult to keep to his routines and hiding in the background.
Relationships: Kylo Ren & Rey, Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 102
Kudos: 202





	1. Chapter 1

_SLAM._ Ben’s hand came down hard on his alarm clock and knocked it onto the floor. “Fuuuuuuuck.” He threw his legs over the side of his bed one at a time and bent down to pick up the object of his frustration. 

5:00 AM stared back at him in angry red as he took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his mop of hair. When Ben was given more shifts at work, he was appreciative, even with the realization that it would affect the rest of his schedule. He knew that meant his daily runs after school would need to become morning runs. But at this moment, he debated whether the euphoria of routine and the fuller bank account was worth the bloodshot feeling behind his eyes.

Ben forced himself to his feet and shuffled his way out to the living room, picking up a stray hoodie and his sneakers along the way. Now if only he could find his iPod. Ben looked around and saw it tucked into the couch cushions. He took a seat and wished aloud, “Please be charged, please be charged”. After seeing a half-full icon in the upper corner, Ben threw it into his pocket and continued getting ready.

His eyes darted between his bathroom and the kitchen area. He knew he should brush his teeth, or at least wash his face - but ultimately decided the effort wasn’t worth it. Instead, he traveled the few long strides it took from couch to fridge and reached in. A carton of orange juice hid in the back corner and he pulled it out to search for an expiration date. October 20th. “Ehh, a week won’t kill me.” Still hesitant, he unscrewed the top and cautiously smelled the beverage. “Fuck it.” He shrugged and raised the carton to his face for a few swigs.

Ben opened the door and took a final glance back into his apartment. He quickly locked up before he lost his nerve and headed down the stairs to begin his run into the cold. 

The sky was still dark, but Ben liked it better this way. All his life, Ben had struggled to be seen by those around him. Eventually, he gave up and found it easier to blend in with the silence. Longing for connections meant holding out hope, and hope was something he could no longer afford to keep losing. _Let the past die, Ben._ He picked up his pace as memories and heartbreak threatened to fill his mind. Soon, he ran fast enough to avoid focusing on anything but the pounding of his heart against his chest and the harsh air filling his lungs.

An hour later, Ben returned back to his place. He quickly hopped into the shower to rinse off the physical evidence of his own personal form of meditation. Dressing for school, Ben pulled on a black thermal and black jeans, the first things he found in a pile covering the chair beside his closet. He followed up with his trusty black Doc Martens. Even if he had tried to actively put a look together, it wasn’t likely his outfit would have looked much different. Ben didn’t care about appearances and he just really, really, liked black. It was simple, understated, and lent itself well to his introverted nature.

After throwing his used cereal bowl into the sink, now clear of his routine meal of Corn Flakes, Ben grabbed his backpack and began the 2-mile walk to school. Most other teens would have likely taken the bus or called a friend for a ride. But Ben’s long legs helped make the walk seem shorter than it actually was - and he certainly didn’t have any friends to call. 

About ten minutes into his walk, he saw a flashy white Hummer waiting outside a small single-family home. He immediately recognized it as belonging to Finn, another senior at his school and a grade-A, free-range, grass-fed, dick. 

He paused his iPod and slowed his walking, wondering what Finn was doing on this side of town. Ben had been walking this route for over a year now but had never seen his boisterous classmate here before. He got his answer when he saw a brunette rush out of the house, bag still unzipped and threatening to spill its contents all over the sidewalk.

“Shit, I’m sooo sorry, Finn! Electric bill wasn’t paid. Again. So took me a while longer to get ready.” 

Ben’s ears tuned into the girl’s accent right away and he paused to stand and study the stranger. He quickly realized that she must be the new transfer student from England. Earlier in the school year, he had overheard the school receptionist and one of the counselors deep in conversation about the girl from England who was now living with Unkar Plutt, the town’s resident drunk and apparently, her distant uncle. However, this was the first time he had seen her or heard the girl speak. It was easy to avoid meeting new people when you were Ben and avoided any socialization that wasn’t absolutely mandatory. 

He took in her soft features, messy bun, and athletic build. Her style was definitely unique, with a flowy, white tank top half-tucked into high-waisted, olive, cargo pants. A cream cardigan was draped over her bag, and he wondered how she wasn’t freezing. A small smile reached his lips when his eyes finally reached her shoes. She was wearing brown Docs that matched his in every way but color.

“Yeah, alright. But get in will you? I don’t wanna have to fight any asshole juniors who think they can take my parking spot.”

“Excuse you. I happen to be a junior. And I’d argue that some might consider _you_ the asshole in that situation, given that the school doesn’t have any assigned parking.”

Oh, if her outward appearance hadn’t already piqued Ben’s interest, her feisty personality sure did. He took one last glance at her before resuming his walk. Getting caught staring by Finn and this mystery girl was not a confrontation he wanted to take on.

* * *

It was 3:52 PM as Ben dropped his backpack onto the metal shelving unit in the employee lounge of Resistance Records, the record shop he’d been working at for the past four months. He considered pouring himself a quick cup of coffee but opted for a Diet Coke once he saw the burner was no longer on. Nothing he hated more than stale coffee. He still had about five minutes until his shift started, but walked over to the front counter anyway. It’s not like he had anything to do in the short amount of time. There certainly wasn’t anyone trying to talk to him or make plans for later. Maybe a stray text from his mom to say she missed him, but in that case - it was even more excuse to start work earlier.

Ben enjoyed working at the record shop. He found that most of the people who wandered in were hardcore fans of music just like him. And by that, it meant that these people actually preferred he leave them alone to browse in peace - which coincidentally matched up with Ben’s deepest desire to avoid as much customer interaction as possible. Save for the minute of transactional exchange whenever someone made a purchase, Ben was free to enjoy solitude up at the counter. Most days, he could get away with sorting and pricing the incoming shipments and recently purchased used vinyls without speaking for more than 30 minutes total. He was grateful to his boss for the position, knowing he could never last a day in a regular retail job like the movies or supermarket.

So far, his shift had gone by fairly status quo. His co-worker and manager Poe had excitedly pointed to a wall full of milk crates when he got in, explaining how this guy had passed away and his nephew came by to sell a garage worth of old records. “He said he would take $50 flat because he had to catch a flight back to New York and was over the hassle of cleaning out his uncle’s garage. $50 bucks, Ben. You believe that shit?”

“Pretty fucking cool, Poe. You mind if I get first dibs on looking through it? Or at least test them out on the store’s stereo system?”

“Yeah, Bro. Take whatever you like! Dead guy’s nephew's loss is our gain!”

Poe was only a few years older than Ben but ran the shop since his dad, Ben's actual boss and owner of Resistance Records was always traveling. While Ben was the quiet, moody, fixture in the store, Poe was the confident and assured people person. Ben wouldn't necessarily classify them as friends, but he liked that Poe never had any expectations of Ben to be anything but himself. 

Ben pulled a crate off the top of its tower and walked over to the counter. He felt like a kid in a candy store and was excited to begin digging through. 

The small bell rang over the front door and Ben sighed. Hopefully, it was just the mail. 

He looked up and froze. It was the girl from this morning. The spunky girl that was hanging out with Finn. 

She looked right at him and smiled, greeting him with a simple “Hi”. 

Ben smiled back, or at least hoped he had. In all honesty, he was a little out of practice. 

“Um, bag,” he sputtered, clearing his throat. 

“Sorry?” the girl questioned. 

“Your, uh, bag. I need to check it in.” He turned to look at the sign behind the counter to break the awkwardness of staring at her for too long.

“Oh right! I'm sorry. I - I've never been here. I’m new to town. ” 

“Yeah that's alright,” he said as he dropped a plastic number on the counter and waited for her to do the same with her bag. _That would’ve been the perfect opportunity to ask her about why and when she moved here, dumbass._ Ben ignored his conscience and attempted to burn a hole through the number he had just placed down.

Her smile was smaller this time as she exchanged the number for her bag and began her slow browsing of the store. 

The next thirty minutes were excruciating for Ben. Every turn of her head, small exclamation of excitement, and intake of breath triggered a response of his own. He cursed his internal systems for suddenly setting themselves to a frequency that only she occupied. What had he done to deserve this? Despite many attempts at ignoring the girl and getting back to his business, the milk crate still sat in front of him and a box of new releases remained untagged.

When she finally walked up to the counter with an impressive stack of records, Ben was all too happy to know this awkward encounter was coming to a close. So happy that he heard himself ask, “So, do you actually like records or are you just doing it for the hipster credit?”

_Shit. That was a dick move._

The girl didn't seem shaken though. “I love anything that provides a good hunt. Digging through records, thrifting for clothes. I consider myself a bit of a scavenger.”

“A scavenger. That's... different. You still didn't answer the question though - do you actually enjoy it or are you secretly a hipster?”

“Well...let's see. Do you just really hate your job or is the judginess a natural character flaw?”

_Ouch. And THIS is why he didn't talk to people._

Ben was struck silent, so she continued on. 

“Sorry. Yes, I actually enjoy scavenging. No, I don't consider myself a hipster. I think foster kid is probably a better term for it all. As in, really good at getting on in situations that others can't. And also, being constantly on the defensive.” She gestured to the space between them before adding, “Obviously.”

“I'm... I'm sorry. To be transparent, I don't normally talk to anyone for this long. I'm used to being judged by pretty much everyone. And even those that are nice enough to try usually sense my lack of conversation skills and leave pretty quickly.”

“REY. LET'S GOOOOO.” Finn popped his head into the shop and looked from the girl to Ben and back. “God it smells like old shit in here. I'm gonna wait outside. You better not get any dust in my car, Rey!”

“Ahh, well that's my ride. I've gotta go. And from the sounds of it, I better not buy these. I know it’s a lot to ask, but any chance you could hold onto them for me? Just for one day? I swear I'll come back tomorrow.”

“Yeah, that's fine. Not that you have much competition here,” noting the empty store.

“I appreciate you being so chilled about it. Oh, and - uh, what's your name?”

“Ben.”

“Quick tip, Ben. Why don't you let everyone decide for themselves whether or not they want to stick around and talk to you? Some conversations are like records - not meant for mass appeal, but so worth the extra digging. Cheers.”

Rey ran out and Ben let out a breath that had been caught in his throat from the moment she walked in.

_What the hell had just happened?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pumped this puppy out overnight after stopping in to my favorite record shop yesterday. Love it? Hate it? Let me know your thoughts. Who's got two thumbs and hasn't written in a minute (or like...10 years) and is just happy to be getting back into the groove of things? This gal. So please feed my insecurities with words of...actually, any words will do. I'm easy. 
> 
> Also, I started a Daiver story over [ here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22247497/chapters/53123839) if you're into that. ;)
> 
> Follow me on [tumblr](https://fromsolowithlove.tumblr.com/) so we can be friends and cry over shit together.


	2. Chapter 2

After meeting - Rey, was it? - he finished his shift in a daze. A few more customers came in, but he paid them little attention. The majority of his thoughts involved a replay of every gleam of her eye and every stupid thing he had said.

He kept walking by the stack of vinyls she had asked him to hold onto. Besides Lana Del Rey’s _Video Games_ that sat on top, he had no idea what other music she listened to. He was tempted to look at her choices, to know more about her. But the longer he avoided peeking at the stack, the more he felt like doing so would make him some kind of a voyeur.

 _You would’ve seen them if you had rung her out,_ he thought _. She might not even come back. What do you have to lose?_

He decided against it, figuring that it would be a great topic of conversation if she did, in fact, return the next day. And if not, then he would put them back where they belonged - and at that point, it wouldn't matter what she liked.

* * *

The next day at school was even more painful than usual. Ben was a classic “underachiever in an overachiever’s body” according to his parents. It meant he was  inherently intelligent but had zero interest in broadcasting it. He was the get-1500-on-your-SAT score without ever turning in homework type of smart. The kid teachers expected to bust when he left his headphones in. Of course, they'd soon find themselves nodding in agreement with his insightful responses.

Naturally, this made school quite boring for him. Before, he went because it was a great way to escape his parents and their fighting. Now, he went simply because he didn’t have much else to do. That - and how close he was to graduation. Call it spite, but Ben didn’t want his parents to have another failure to rub in his face.

Most school days normally played like a movie montage for Ben. He wore his headphones like armor as he walked down the hallways in a fog. His aim was always to get from point A to B without any human contact.

But, today was different. He still had Cold War Kids drowning out the nails-on-a-chalkboard discord of his peers. Yet his eyes scanned the halls for something.

That was a lie.

He was actively scanning for her. In his head, he knew it was unlikely that he would bump into her now. Months of school had passed and he had only met her yesterday. But still, he silently hoped for the opportunity to see her again. Even if only to ask her if she would be swinging by his work that afternoon.

With each passing period, he became more discouraged. By lunchtime, he had given up hope. His disappointment ruined his appetite, and he decided to go for a run around the track to clear his mind. Usually, he hated running the track. In comparison to his morning runs out in nature, the monotony killed him. Yet it beat watching the minutes drag by inside the library, his normal hideout.

On his final lap, he caught a glimpse of white with bouncy brown hair. He swallowed and jogged toward her direction. _You can do this, Ben. She practically  invited you to talk to her yesterday._

He stopped in his tracks when he saw Finn trailing behind her. It was a bad idea from the start, but Finn’s presence only reinforced Ben's insecurities. With a shake of his head, he headed back to the track with new weight in his step.

* * *

“Hey, man! What’s new?” Poe greeted Ben with a smile as he walked through the door that afternoon.

“Can’t say much of anything. Not that that’s bad,” he shrugged.

Poe placed a hand on Ben’s shoulder and looked him in the eye. “Look, I gotta ask you a favor, Ben.”

“Uh...sure?” Ben didn’t know why Poe bothered to ask. He was the boss. Ben was the employee. He was almost positive that he didn’t really have the option to say no - no matter what came out of Poe’s mouth next.

“I gotta leave you up here by yourself today. My dad called and said he’s got a collector friend coming by to look at his personal collection later this week. Only problem is, I have no idea where I put his personal collection. I’m gonna need to be down in the basement the rest of the day now that you’re here.”

Ben found it funny that Poe seemed so worried. He left Ben by himself almost all the time whenever he went down the street to talk to his mechanic friends. Still, Ben knew better than to talk back to his boss, no matter how cool he was.

“Yeah, that’s fine. Or...if you want - I can look for your dad’s collection?” No matter how low-key the shop was, the solitude of the basement was even more alluring to Ben.

“You’d do that? It’s pretty messy down there…”

“I  really  wouldn’t mind.” To Ben, getting paid to be by himself was the greatest shift he could ask for.

“Doesn’t get better than you, Ben!” Poe thanked him with a light punch to the arm.

* * *

Ben had just finished clearing a path to the light switch. It wasn't an easy feat since he had to use the flashlight from his phone to help him see what he was moving in the first place. He sighed with content when he heard the crackling of the fluorescent tubes.

“BEN!!!”

Poe's voice carried down the stairway.

He didn't know how many times he had to tell him that he didn't mind working in the basement. “YEAH!?”

“COME UPSTAIRS!”

Ben grumbled. In all his time working there, there was never once a reason for Poe to carry on a shouting match with him. What was so important now?

“NOOOOOOW BENJAMINNNN!” Poe practically sang.

If it were anyone else, he would've been annoyed. His legal name was just  Ben, in honor of one of his parents’ friends. He was definitely NOT a Benjamin.

He raced up the stairs,  easily skipping one at a time.

“Where's the fire, Poe?”

“Benjamin, huh?” He turned to see Rey smirking at him. She stood there in a white crop top and ripped khakis. _Wasn't this girl ever cold?_

"Just Ben," he muttered under his breath. He suddenly became conscious of how sweaty he had become when cleaning downstairs. He wiped his forehead with the sleeve of his black flannel.

“This lovely customer said you were helping her yesterday. I said it couldn't have been you since you never help anyone...” Poe joked. “But - she knew you by name AND described the employee as cute but broody so...I guess it  really  was you.”

Both Ben and Rey's eyes widened. Ben's in shock and Rey's in horror.

“Oh was that last part classified, princess? My mistake.” Poe excused himself for a smoke break, which earned him a death glare from Ben. _You don't smoke!_ his eyes seemed to say.

Ben heard him exit through the back, but still hesitated to turn his attention back to Rey.

“I came back for my records,” she started.

“Uh, yeah. Of course. I'll grab them for you.” Ben went behind the counter to grab the items he'd been carefully avoiding.

He placed them down softly and tapped the counter twice. “Here you go. Did you need to look through them again before I ring you out?”

“No. Once I make up my mind about wanting something, I'm pretty set on it.”

If Ben didn't know any better, he might have thought that Rey was flirting with him. But he did know. Knew that girls like Rey were not interested in guys like him. Plus, she had Finn, who Ben was almost sure was her boyfriend.

He reached to grab the first record in her pile when he felt her fingers brush his. He dropped his hand like it was on fire. She placed the record back down on top of the others.

“I'm actually going to take another look around the place.” She turned and headed for the back wall. “I was in a rush yesterday,” she continued.

Ben quickly recalled how on edge he was with her there during his last shift. If that was her in a rush, there was no way he'd make it out of this encounter alive. Not without embarrassing himself. Not without knowing how long she intended to spend in the shop today.

He took out his phone to text Poe.

_Where are you? You don't even smoke._

_I'm just down the street._

_Can you come back? I really need to get back to finding your dad's stuff in the basement._

_What you really need to do is talk to that girl._

_I thought you liked me, Poe. You know I don't “talk”. To anyone. Especially not to her._

_Ok, then don't. Just stare at her while you pretend to do work. Seemed to work for you yesterday._

_Were you spying on me?_

_It's called MANAGING, Ben. See you later. I'll be back to close._

_Fine._

When Ben looked up, Rey was back at the counter, adding another vinyl to her stack.

“ _You_ listen to Iron Maiden?” he noticed.

“What kind of English girl would I be if I didn't?” She responded with a smile. The playful look in her eye from yesterday was back.

“A little predictable, I guess -”

“You monster!” she exclaimed.

“- but...commendable,” he finished.

“Oh. Well, thank you.”

She returned to her perusal of the shop and Ben began to thumb through her choices. Besides Lana Del Rey and now, Iron Maiden, she had quite the mix. Ariana Grande. The 1975. A Day to Remember. J Dilla. Bloc Party. The Animals. Leonard Cohen and Gary Clark, Jr. She wasn't like the high school girls that usually came into the shop. Most went straight to the top 10 wall and pulled down any given shrink-wrapped album. For them, the goal wasn't the music, but a staged photo to post to their social media accounts.

“I see you're judging me again,” she called out.

“Honestly... I'm uh...impressed. You pass.”

“Pass what exactly? Your litmus test of cool? I hope I get a trophy for it. Or at least a blue ribbon?"

“How about a Resistance Records sticker?”

“Aren't those free?”

“Well yeah...but you can have two.”

“Lucky me. So hey, I've got a question for you.”

This was never a good sign. He felt his body go into fight or flight mode and reached for his can of root beer. He took a slow sip.

Without acknowledgment, she continued. “Why do you work here?”

“I like it here. I like the access to music. I like how quiet it is. I like that no one, except for you, talks to me too much."

“Ha. Ha. No, I meant more like... Why do you work at all? Finn said your family is rich. Like...super-rich. Is this is a rebellion thing? A punishment?”

_Why was Finn talking to her about him? He wasn't a topic of discussion for the populars. He was Ben Solo. He flew under the radar._

“Not that it’s Finn’s business, but yeah...my family is rich.”

“Ok…”

“But I'm not," he clarified.

“Well, that doesn’t make sense,” she pushed.

“I don’t talk to my parents. Haven't in almost a year.”

“Oh, shit, I’m so sorry." She let out a low whistle. "That was pretty rude of me then.”

“It's fine.”

“So…” she started. Her eyes searched for anything to fill the silence.

He matched her discomfort. “So…”

“Can I help you with that?” She pointed to the milk crate he had been sorting while she was browsing. “I feel really bad now and it's the least I can do.”

No one had come into the shop for the past hour, and he was sure Poe wouldn't mind the free labor.

“Sure. Right now I'm just sorting by genre. Then I'll alphabetize the genres by the artist."

“How about I alphabetize what you've already sorted? I get the feeling you're a stickler about genres.”

Ben found himself laughing. It was a foreign sound, but it wasn't uncomfortable. “You're  probably  right."

The next couple of hours flew by. They worked through the crates in comfortable near-silence. She talked without limit and he listened. They found out that they lived near each other. Skated around discussing the past and childhood scars. It was like working with Poe, but Ben acknowledged that he liked listening to her much more.

A bell alarmed them both.

“Hope I'm not interrupting anything,” Poe suggested with a wink.

Ben was on one side of the counter and Rey was all the way across the room. It was clear there was nothing to interrupt, but both looked guilty nonetheless.

“Thanks for watching the shop, Ben. I can close up. You go home.”

“Are you sure?” Ben didn't hate closing, but it was tedious by nature.

“Yeah. Go before I change my mind.”

“Thanks, Poe.” Ben left to grab his things from the employee lounge.

Rey stood there awkwardly. Poe smiled as if he had a secret and raised his eyebrows. “Ben.”

Her voice raised in confusion. “Ben?”

Poe smiled again. “Ben.”

Rey grabbed her bag of vinyls off the counter when she saw Ben return to the floor area. She smiled, happy to be heading out. The conversation with Poe was odd to say the least. Ben grabbed her school bag from the customer cubbies and handed it to her. “See you tomorrow, Poe,” Ben said with a small nod.

“Bye. Nice shop you've got,” Rey offered up.

“Bye, princess.”

“Yeah. Don't call me that.”

Poe chuckled and Ben grinned as he followed her out the door.

“Will I see you at school tomorrow?” she asked.

“How do you know I go to school with you?”

“Finn,” she shrugged, not at all embarrassed like he knew he might be if caught in the same situation. “I may have asked him about the rude record shop boy yesterday.”

The thought of her asking about him gave Ben a small boost of confidence. “I bet your boyfriend enjoyed that.”

“Boyfriend? Hardly,” she scoffed. “I suppose courtship might be a more proper title if anything.”

“Well, he's a bit of a dick.”

“Eh. You're not wrong. But what do you care, Ben?” she teased.

He flushed, and confident Ben retreated. “I uh,  just  thought that as a patron of the shop I work at, you...you should know.”

“Huh. I appreciate it. I can look after myself, though.”

A gust of wind reminded them that they should be on their way. Rey turned to Ben. “Walk me home?”

“I thought you said you could look after yourself.”

“I can. But who's gonna look after you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back in my day (read in Grandpa Simpson’s voice), the highest you could get on the SATs was a 2400. I've been told that it's now out of 1600. So basically, Ben is effortlessly smart. But lets be honest, between his mom's elite bloodline and his dad's street smarts, Ben is an all-around catch.
> 
> _How do we feel about AU Poe the wingman? 😉 Hope you're feeling him, cause I'm having a doozy of a time._
> 
> **Most importantly - a HUGE thank you to everyone who has read/given kudos/commented. Writing has always been a fun outlet for me, so returning to it after so long has brought me an arsenal of feelings. Not that we ever write exclusively for others, but knowing there are folks out there reading certainly helps motivate me to keep chugging along. As always, would love to hear/see your feedback! It's like magic for my creative juices.**
> 
> Follow me on [tumblr](https://fromsolowithlove.tumblr.com/) because I still don't quite know how to navigate AO3. 😝


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Similar to my note on Like a Sucker Punch...
> 
> This update took a lot longer than intended.
> 
> 1) I published a quick one-shot earlier in the week. It wrote itself so easily that I accidentally prioritized it. If you are a fluff-ivore and like the thought of Reylo discussing babies, by all means - please take a look [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22455382).
> 
> 2) Adam Driver hosted SNL and it's all my husband and I have been doing this past week. How lucky am I that my husband finds Adam Driver hilarious? He's always the one putting it back on, and honestly - no complaints here. 😉

Rey soon made visiting _Resistance Records_ a habit. She was there nearly as often as Ben was, and it hadn’t gone unnoticed. He stared down at her from the ladder he was standing on. She was leaning back against a shelf with her arms crossed, lost in thought.

“You know, just because you’re here all the time doesn’t mean I’m gonna start paying you,” Poe joked. He placed his hands on Rey’s shoulders and moved her to her right a few inches. “Now move – I need to get into this cabinet.”

“Wow. That’s not very polite, Poe. But yes, I know. It’s not like I have anywhere better to be. Plus, the scenery here is pretty nice.” Her eyes drifted to Ben.

The sound of shattering shocked them all. It was the lightbulb Ben was supposed to be switching out.

“Sorry. So sorry. Let me grab the broom,” he mumbled.

 _There she goes again_ , he thought. Rey had a tendency of saying things that Ben thought might be flirtatious. But he knew that reading into things was a side-effect of his loner inclinations. Rey was one of the most straightforward people he had ever met. If she was into him like that, he would bet she would’ve said something by now.

“Alright, I’ve got a good one!” she exclaimed while holding the dustpan for him. “Swedish pop.”

“Oooh,” Poe agreed. “Are we limiting it to a certain decade?”

“Nah, too hard if we’re only talking groups that found commercial success here,” Ben added in. He finished sweeping and moved the tools back to the closet.

In their downtime, the three of them had created a game they deemed _Fantasy Battle of the Bands_. Someone would pick a sub-group of music and the others would suggest bands to compete head-to-head. The game was ongoing and lacked the possibility for a winner, but it made the shifts go by faster. And he had to admit, it was fun. He had always liked his job at the shop, but he never would’ve called it fun. With Rey there though, he could.

“ABBA, obviously,” she began.

Poe continued on. “Ace of Base. Roxette. Europe.”

“The Hives. The Cardigans,” Ben added.

“Aww, The Cardigans, Ben? Look at my boy in touch with his breathy, indie-alt love songs,” Poe teased.

“Shut up, man.”

“Wow,” Rey stated. “I can’t believe you both left out Avicii and Swedish House Mafia. You’re both so stereotypically _anti_ , it hurts.”

They spent the next hour discussing who deserved to be crowned top Swedish pop artist, record sales aside.

Poe walked over to the front door and flipped the sign to “CLOSED”. “I’m telling you, the diverse uses of ‘The Final Countdown’ are always overlooked. It can be played at anything from an elementary soccer game to a funeral. That alone should place Europe in the top 3,” he argued.

“Oh, please. They became famous after winning a competition. They’re practically the One Direction of Sweden,” Rey offered in dispute.

“Okay. One, how disrespectful to One Direction. I’m not gonna go so far to call myself a fan, but the hysteria they incited was very respectable. Two,” Poe pointed to Rey. “Where’d you find this one, Ben? She knows her music history.”

Ben’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he squeezed a button to ignore it.

“Yo. Earth to Ben,” Poe called out.

“Huh?”

“I was saying that Rey here knows her music history. In what strange cave did you find her?”

“Oh. I don’t know. She kind of just showed up one day and hasn’t left,” Ben replied.

To his surprise, Rey laughed. “Yeah, you’ll find I’m not that easy to get rid of.”

* * *

It was a Saturday night in the middle of November and Ben was looking forward to the break from school. He was starting to close out the till when he heard Rey grumble at her phone. His mouth opened and shut, unsure if it was his place to ask her if everything was okay. Sure, they could talk for hours on end about music. But was Ben the kind of person she would want to confide in about personal issues?

She picked up the duster and started wandering the store to help him out. “Yo,” she called out.

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing tomorrow? You don’t have work, right?” 

“Uhh. I don’t. Why?” He stopped counting the money and waited for her to continue.

“Well, I won’t lie to you. I’m really not the person to be gentle about things.”

If Ben had been drinking anything, it would have been a guaranteed spit-take. He raised his eyebrows in amusement. “I’ve noticed.”

She rolled her eyes. With a sigh, she went on. “Finn isn’t very happy that I’ve been spending all this time with you. So, I told him that he doesn’t get to tell me what to do.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Uh-huh, what?”

“Well…” Ben considered his next words with caution. Avoiding other people’s drama was one of the perks of alienating himself. He didn’t want to change course now. But her penetrating stare told him there was no chance to backpedal. “I can kind of see it from his point of view. You are…dating. Sorry, courting, was it?”

“Not anymore. About a week or two ago, I told him I thought we made better friends.” She raised a shoulder with indifference. “Again, not very gentle.”

Ben’s breath hitched as he tried to calculate how long ago they had met. Could she have broken it off with Finn after meeting him? It was farfetched, but Ben considered this new information with a nod.

“Anyways, I was thinking maybe we should all go out tomorrow,” he heard her say.

“WHAT? What do you mean?” 

Ben and Rey had fallen into a rhythm with one another. Some might even call it a friendship. Yet, their companionship had never stretched beyond the shop’s walls or their walks home.

“I’m just saying, I think it might be a good idea for him to see that you’re not so bad. I don’t know what you two have against each other, but he was my first real friend here and I hate how at odds you are.”

“Yeah, I don’t think he has anything against me. He just takes enjoyment from making others feel bad. Your idea is nice in theory but terrible in practice.”

Her jaw dropped in annoyance. She shut it and chose to pout instead.

“What? I told you the first time we met, Rey. I don’t do well with other people. I prefer being by myself. Really, I do.”

Ben willed his body to turn away when he saw her eyes widen. She was using puppy dog eyes against him as she pleaded. “I just thought it would be a good idea…I mean, I think you’re one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met. And I think he would think the same thing if he really got to know you. Will you at least consider it? Just spend one hour with us!”

He tried to swallow his next words but they came out anyway. “I’ll give you thirty minutes.”

“Thirty!?”

“It’s that or nothing,” he countered.

“Fine. No. Yeah. That’s great!” She beamed at him. “Thirty minutes – I’ll take it!”

His phone went off in his pocket and he tore his eyes away from her smile.

“Good. Now let me finish counting the money so you can walk me home.”

She tossed her head back and laughed freely. Ben shook his head. _How was she always getting him to do and say things he didn’t want to?_

* * *

Sunday at 2:00 pm rolled around and Ben was debating on which excuse was better. “Rey, I’ve come down with the flu,” or “Rey, I’ve been called into work.” Neither was great, he decided. Rey had seen him less than 24 hours ago in prime health. She could also very much walk by the shop to see if he was working or not. Dragging his feet, he headed for the diner.

When Ben arrived, Rey was facing away from the entrance, which was probably bad planning on her part. As soon as Finn noticed the other male walking through the door, he stood up.

“Oh, hell no Rey. You didn’t tell me _HE_ would be here.”

Rey looked at a loss for words, so it was Ben who spoke next. “You didn’t tell him I was going to be here?”

“I just thought that, if neither of you had a choice, you’d have to hang out and see how great the other person was!” Rey sounded like a toddler trying to justify a bad decision. But she couldn’t stop.

“I consider both of you really good friends now, and I was hoping that we could all hang out together.”

Finn sneered. “NEVER going to happen, Rey. Never.”

“Well, I hate to agree with Finn on anything, but he’s right. It was never going to work,” Ben said.

“I just don’t get what you two have against each other!” Rey cried.

Finn shook his head. “There’s nothing to get, Rey. This guy is a spoiled, entitled, ass and I have no desire to be around him.”

Rey turned to Ben who had taken a step toward Finn. “I’m sorry. I’m the ass? You’re the one who treats me like shit every chance you get.”

Another step from Finn. “Yeah? You ever stop to think and wonder why that is?”

“I don’t know. BECAUSE YOU’RE A PRICK. SEEMS LIKE A PERSONALITY ISSUE.”

Finn blinked and laughed cruelly. “You don’t even get it. WOOOOOW. You don’t even realize it, do you?”

“Realize what?” Rey asked, hoping to break the tension.

“Rey. Your new little ‘friend’? He’s always gotten everything handed to him.”

“You don’t know anything about me,” Ben challenged.

“Oh, I don’t? Let’s start with what we both know, then. How about the fact that the reason I came to this school is that I was recruited for the cross-country team? I made Varsity my sophomore year and was training at every chance I got. But then, guess who rolls up after what? A year of not even being at school? Good ol’ Ben Solo, whose mommy and daddy paid for him to walk onto the team. And of course, no one wants to upset The Solos. So, what does that mean for me? It means I get benched during the most important meet of my junior year. And Ben Solo, poor broken Solo gets to be seen by the scouts. There go all my chances for a decent college scholarship. Unlike you, you spoiled baby, I don’t have many options. I don’t have a fancy family to throw money at things. So, excuse you for not realizing you’re the asshole here.”

“That’s bullshit. I ran because I was faster than you, Finn.”

“No. NO. And even if you were, you didn't deserve it. You barely showed up to practice. You treated it like a joke. But still, no one wanted to anger your family. So, the rest of us got shafted. Don’t think we’ve forgotten about the time you didn’t show up for our meet against Takodana. You may have Rey fooled with your loner boy act, but the rest of us know the truth. You’re a piece of shit who doesn’t care about anyone else.”

Ben was frozen. He didn’t know what to say. Part of him wanted to punch Finn in the face for accusing him of those things. But he couldn’t. He wasn’t that person. Not anymore. Instead, he bit his tongue.

“Exactly what I thought, Solo. Now if you’ll excuse me, Rey, I really don’t wanna be here. Call me when he lets you down, too.” Finn stormed out.

Rey sat there, her blank expression matching Ben’s. He turned to her and broke the silence. “He’s not wrong. I was a huge ass when I came back last year.”

“Where did you come back from?”

“It’s not something I wanna talk about with you.”

Rey slapped the table, startling Ben. “You know…that’s really unfair. I’ve never hidden anything from you, Ben.”

“I don’t mean I don’t wanna talk about it _because_ of you. I just don’t like to talk about my past. At all. With anyone.”

She picked up a spoon and twirled it between her fingers. "Fine. What if I go first?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. Let's all exhale now. Finn wasn't just a one-dimensional villain, after all. 
> 
> Also, more light moments with our resident Reylo, Poe. What a guy, amirite?
> 
>  **Happy Aloha Friday, AO3 friends! It's cold here in Norcal, but your comments and views keep me warmer. Really though, look at us. Me writing something other people actually deem acceptable. You being so kind and leaving me kudos and comments. Who would've thought? Not me.** _*cues Paul Rudd meme*_
> 
> In the words of Boy George, [I'll tumble for ya](https://fromsolowithlove.tumblr.com)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With my other fic finished up, this update comes to you a day ahead of schedule. Boomshakalaka. Hope you enjoy, friends!

The sky was dark as Ben pumped his legs down the dirt trail. He pressed a small button to skip to the next song. These days, every song made him think of Rey and it was throwing off his pace. His daily runs were his time to forget about everything. A small escape, not a moment to focus on growing distractions. Two, then three more songs were skipped until he finally gave up. He let his mind drift back to her and the words she had shared with him the day before.

_ “You know, I get why you don’t like letting people in. I’m the same way. You haven’t told me much about your parents other than the fact you don’t talk to them, but I do understand that pain. Differently, of course. I already told you I’m a foster kid. I’m just waiting to age out so I can officially live on my own.” _

_ “It’s not easy,” he warned. _

_ “I know. But I told you. I’m not afraid of hard work. I’ll do what I have to. I always have.” _

_ She paused. “Wait. I just realized. You say that like you know. Do you live alone, Ben?” _

_ He looked down at his food. “Uhh, yeah.” _

_ “I always thought you were staying with a relative or godparent or something.” _

_ “Nope.” _

_ “Oh, so you’re 18?” _

_ “Yup.” _

_ “That explains the facial hair,” she wiggled her eyebrows. _

_ Ben’s mouth twitched. He felt the urge to touch his face but didn’t want to draw more attention to the topic at hand. _

_ Rey shook her head. “Sorry. That wasn't an insult. I like it.” _

_ He felt his face flush as she stared at him. _

_ “So.” She seemed to remember the interrogation streak she was on. “How long have you lived on your own?” _

_ “Pretty soon after I turned 18.” _

_ “Was that when you stopped talking to your parents?” _

_ “You know what? I thought we were supposed to be talking about you.” _

_ “Fair enough, but I’m not letting you off that easy.” _

_ Eager to change the subject, he said, “So…going back to your issue. I think Poe would hire you if you asked, all jokes aside.” _

_ “Do you really think so?” _

_ “Yeah. He’s taken a liking to you.” _

_ “Hmm. Interesting,” she noted with a smile. “And that wouldn’t bother you? Us working together?” _

_ “Would it be any different than it is now?” _

_ “That’s true. Although all the customers might like me better and give me all the tips.” _

_ “We don’t make tips. It’s a record shop.” _

_ “Sure. But doesn’t it bother you knowing they would if they could?” _

_ “I’ll talk to him tomorrow.” _

_ She grabbed his hand. “Thank you.” _

_ The heat from her hand radiated through to the rest of his body. He refocused. _

_ “So, about foster care,” he started. _

_ “Yeahhh…that’s enough for now.” _

_ “Did I say something wrong?” _

_ “No, but I can’t just tell you everything yet. You won’t stick around if I divulge all my secrets at once.” She smiled. _

Little did Rey know, he would stick around forever if she let him.

* * *

That evening, Ben was finishing Rey’s training on the cash register. When he talked to Poe at the start of his shift, he was more than happy to bring Rey on.

_ “That’s perfect. Then I’ll still have one minion when you leave me after graduation.” _

_ “I haven’t decided if I’m leaving, yet.” _

_ “Oh? That’s new. Does this have anything to do with a certain someone arriving in town? A fiery little brunette about…yea tall?” He hovered his hand at Ben’s shoulder. _

_ “I’m going to ignore you now.” _

_ “But you can’t ignore what’s inside there, Ben.” Poe pointed to Ben’s chest and faked a sniffle. _

_ Ben flipped him off and Poe left, laughing. _

“You know...there’s an app for that.” Rey's voice brought Ben back to the moment.

“What?”

“Robo-calls. You can block them with an app. I’ve noticed you silencing a bunch of calls these past few days.”

“Oh, uh. No. It’s just. Yeah. Thanks.”

“I’m sorry, was that supposed to be a sentence?”

"It was my mom. She keeps calling.”

“Oh. That’s serious.”

“Yup.”

“No messages?”

“No. That’s her tactic. She’s hoping that curiosity or worry will eat me up.”

“Maybe you should just answer then.”

“She’ll stop eventually.”

Rey looked like she wanted to say more, but she resisted. Her mouth kept opening and closing like a goldfish. Ben appreciated that she was fighting herself in order to be a good friend. He would tell her everything when he was ready.

“Can I ask you something odd?” she started.

“Almost everything you ask is odd.”

“Okay, but seriously. Can I?”

“Would saying no stop you?”

She swatted his arm. “You’re so right!”

He shivered and took a step back. He hadn’t yet learned to control his reaction to her touch. Luckily, she didn’t seem to notice.

“What do you do for fun? I never see you around at school. Only here. So I’m just curious.”

Ben paused. There wasn’t anything he did for fun. He went to school. He went to work. He ran in the mornings and read at night.

“Nothing you’d find exciting,” he relented.

“Must you make everything difficult? I didn’t  _ say _ ‘exciting’. But fine, let me rephrase my question. What do you do when you’re not here or at school?”

“I run. I read.”

Her eyes widened. “RIGHT. You were on the cross-country team with Finn.”

“Let’s not bring that up again.”

“I think it’s really great you still do it though.”

He scratched the back of his neck. “Uhh, thanks.”

“Could I go on a run with you?”

“Do you like running?”

“I mean, no. But I’m trying to become someone who does.”

Ben didn’t think the idea was a great one. She was bleeding into more corners of his life than he felt comfortable with. 

“I run for an hour,” he declared.

“Are you implying I can’t?” 

He had accidentally challenged her. He should’ve known better.

“Fine. Meet me at my apartment tomorrow. There’s a good trail by my place.”

“But I don’t know your address!”

“But we walk home together all the time.”

“And you always insist on dropping me off first.”

Ben realized she was right.

“Just text it to me?” she suggested.

“Sure.”

* * *

The next morning, Ben answered the knock at his door. Before he could invite her in, Rey stepped past him and made her way to the couch. She cradled her legs into her chest and yawned.

“So is this a peek of what emancipated life could look like for me? Cause I don't hate it.”

“Yeah, it's alright.”

“Need a roommate?” she joked.

Ben grew visibly flustered. “There's only one bedroom and bathroom. This is really only suited for one -”

“Calm down, Ben. I'm joking. It's really early. It's the only way I can keep myself awake.”

_ Stop thinking about living with her _ , he told himself.  _ Stop thinking about her in your bedroom.  _ Ben forced himself to try and laugh. It sounded like he was choking. 

He quickly walked over to grab his iPod, hoping to get the run over with. Or at least to escape the awkwardness of the previous moment.

“You still use an iPod? You’re such an old man!” 

“It does what it needs to do…” he defended.

“You’re not going to bring it with you, are you?”

“I always run with music.”

Rey furrowed her brows. “But you have me now.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Running partners talk, don’t they?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never had one.”

“Oh look at us, trying new things.” 

Ben sighed.

She nodded her head toward the iPod.

“Right. I’ll leave it here.”

An hour later, they reached the front of Ben's building. Rey collapsed onto the bench. 

“Why are your legs so long?!” she whined. “There’s no way anyone can keep up with you.”

A small smile threatened to break free from his face. “Sorry, I’m not used to running with a partner.”

“Your partner may pass out soon,” she said, still breathing in short stints as she stretched.

“You did well though,” Ben offered. 

It was true. Ben had tried his best to maintain an easier pace for her, but even he was damp with sweat from a gritty workout. He lifted the hem of his shirt to dry off his face. The breeze felt good against his skin.

Rey’s labored breaths stopped and she suddenly jumped off the bench. Ben paused and turned to her.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Uh-huh! I just realized...I….I need to go to charge my phone! I'll see you later!” She began backing away toward her house.

“You left it upstairs,” he reminded her.

She smoothed a hand over her head. “Right,” she exhaled. “Right.”

* * *

The shop had hit its nightly lull. It was a Tuesday, after all.

Rey was walking around obsessively lining up the shelves and Ben was making new signs that read “SALE”.

Poe emerged from the back of the store. “Yeah, I'm gonna head out, losers.”

“Employee abuse!” cried Rey. 

“Please,” he dismissed. “Your paperwork probably hasn't finished processing yet. Quit complaining.”

Rey grinned.

“So,” Poe turned to Ben. “Any big plans for the birthday weekend, buddy?”

“None. Just the way I like it.”

“Well let me know if you change your mind.”

“I probably won’t.”

Poe shook his head and threw a goodbye-nod Rey’s way. 

She walked over to the counter.

“It's your birthday, soon?”

“Happens every year, unfortunately.” Ben was hoping to brush off any further mention of the occasion.

As always, Rey felt exactly the opposite.

“What day?” she asked.

“Thursday.”

“You’re a Scorpio, huh?”

“Yes?”

“Explains a lot,” she smirked.

“What does that even mean?"

“Oh, Ben. Don’t you know? There are memes. So many memes. Give me a sec.” Rey typed a few things into her phone as if being timed. Her eyebrows furrowed and her lips contorted in determination. “Ah! Here’s a good one. And it’s _sooo_ you. Bloody brilliant.”

She cleared her throat like she was going to present in front of the class. “Scorpios after midnight. Paragraph-long texts about things no one asked or cares about. Scorpios during the day. K.”

Ben glanced at her through the corner of his eye.“When have I ever sent you a paragraph-long text?”

She pondered, then clicked her tongue.

“Fine. You haven’t. Not yet,” she winked. “But I know you, Ben. And I know you must be up late at night drafting paragraph-long texts to someone. There’s too much going on inside that mysterious mind of yours for this NOT to be a thing.”

* * *

Later that night, Ben was getting ready for bed when his phone went off.

_ Ben. _

_ Rey. _

_ BEN. _

_ Is this going somewhere? _

_ I’m very excited. _

He stared at a GIF of Lisa Kudrow jumping up and down. He assumed it was from “Friends”.

_ I can see _ , he typed.

_ Aren’t you going to ask me why? _

_ Why are you excited, Rey? _

_ Cause, I just got tickets to the Dr. Dog show on Friday. _

_ Oh, nice.  _

_ For your birthday. _

When he didn't reply, another text from her came through.

_ Like, we could go together? _

Ben didn't know how to respond. Did she want to go to a show? With him? Alone?

His phone started ringing. It was Rey. She probably wasn't happy that he hadn't said anything about the text. 

“Ben, did you see my text?”

“Uhh, yeah."

“I already texted Poe. He said he'd be fine to work the store himself.”

“Oh, so this is like, for work.”

Rey made a sound somewhere in between a growl and a hiss. “No, Ben. Come on, it’s late at night, I’m tired, and I'm putting myself out there. Please don't make me say it.”

“Say what?”

“AGH. I’m asking you on a date, you idiot.”

“Oh.”

“Do not make me go alone.”

“So it’s like a birthday thing?”

“A birthday gift. From me to you.”

“A birthday…date?”

“Would it make you feel better if I called it a birthday outing?”

“Yes.”

“Fine. Ben Solo, can we go and watch a show for your birthday OUTING?”

His words kept catching in his throat.

“Don’t say maybe,” she warned. 

He swallowed. “That would be nice.”

* * *

Friday came sooner than Ben was comfortable with. He hopped out of the shower and began staring at his clothes. He'd never tell her, but he had never gone on a date before. He had no idea what she expected of him.

Also, she had said date without clarifying what  _ kind _ of a date. Friend dates were things, too, weren't they? He knew that “lunch dates” were a common thing his mom used to have with her co-workers. Those weren't romantic in any way.  _ I guess she said birthday date. But where do those fall?  _ He considered texting her to find out.

_ No, you dumbass. What are you going to ask? Hi, Rey. Do you LIKE like me? _ Ben shuddered. That would be embarrassing. He wasn't a tween at sleepaway camp. Why hadn’t she just said, “I like you as more than a friend, Ben.” It would have made everything so much easier.

Just then, a buzz from his phone. He hadn’t noticed it ringing. 

**New Voicemail. Leia Organa-Solo.**

_ Wow, she must be losing her edge _ , he thought. He opened the voicemail and listened. 

“Hi, sweetie. Just your mom calling to say Happy Birthday. Your dad says hi too. I know...we’re a day late. Time zones and all. Plus, we’re old. Really missing you today, son. Hope you spend time doing something that makes you happy. Oh, and we'll be in town next week. We'd really love to see you. If I don't hear back from you, I'll call again later. Again, happy birthday, Ben.”

Ben felt his hands go numb. He wasn't ready to see them. He hadn't since they left at the beginning of the year. His throat tightened and he rushed to the kitchen for water. His hand shook as he poured himself a glass. Ben walked back to his room and turned off the lights. He was sweaty and unhinged. There was no way he could let Rey see him like this.

* * *

Three hours later, he heard banging on his door. He turned off his music, although he knew for a fact it wasn’t playing as loudly as it normally was.

Annoyed, Ben swung the door open with too much force. It hit the hallway wall. “Sorry, Mr. Mitaka, I’ll turn it down.” 

“Who the hell is Mr. Mitaka?” Rey barked. She looked down before jerking her head upwards. “And will you please put a fucking shirt on?”

Ben was suddenly aware of his bareness. After his mom’s voicemail, he hadn’t finished getting dressed. He ran to grab the closest top and returned to the door.

“Did you want to come in?” he frowned.

She strode past him without a second glance.

“Why would you do that? Why would you stand me up like that?” Tears began to well in her hazel eyes. Ben could have never pictured Rey like this. She was always so strong and sure of herself.

“Oh. Straight to it, then.” His lack of experience with girls was not on his side.

“This isn’t funny, Ben. Why? How could you?” 

Ben looked at the couch cushion that wasn’t quite pushed in. He had the urge to correct it, but her gaze froze him in place. “Something happened before and I, I just didn’t handle it well.”

“And you just forgot about me along the way?”

“I...Rey...you have to know I’m not used to being accountable to...anyone. T-to having anyone wonder where I am,” he stuttered.

“That’s just fucking great.”

“I know it’s not an excuse.”

“It’s not. I was counting on you, Ben.”

“I’m sorry,” he started.

“Sorry doesn’t change anything. I stood at the front door of the venue for like...half an hour after the show began. At first, I was angry. Then I was worried something had happened to you. So I came here and you’re just...hanging out?”

“I’m so so sorry, Rey.”

“Stop saying that!” The teardrops made their descent.

The guilt ate at him in a way he hadn’t felt in a long time. He felt the unwelcome feeling brewing. He needed it to stop. 

“Look, Rey. You don’t...know who I am. I’m not -” he searched for the words, “capable of normal things. I’m rude and I don’t fit nicely into the same places you do.”

“And what makes you think I do? I know you think I don’t know you, but I do. Or at least I’m trying to. What I do know is that I always feel so damn alone. I have my whole life. Except when I’m with you.”

It was all too much. The feelings she was revealing to him. It all felt too close to something that could break in an instant. He wondered how she couldn’t see it. He had to show her. “I don’t know what you want from me, Rey. And even if I did, I don’t know that I could give it to you.”

“Just show up. And stay. That’s all.”

The past weekend at the diner, he had fantasized about keeping her forever if she’d let him. But tonight, the possibility seemed too real. Too dangerous.  _ Just say the words. Tell her you will _ , his conscience said. 

He didn’t.

Her disappointment grew with each second that he stayed silent. “There’s my big secret, Ben. Everyone always leaves me. My parents. They didn’t die. I wasn’t taken from them. They just left me. Everyone leaves me, Ben. And now...it feels like you will, too.”

Her words shattered him.

So he took her hand.

“I keep trying to. But I can’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Credit for the hilarious Scorpio tweet goes to [@poetastrologers](https://twitter.com/poetastrologers) on Twitter.*
> 
> _**Y'ALL. I THINK BEN MIGHT FINALLY REALIZE THAT REY LIKES HIM.** Lol, Ben in this story has been so oblivious. But alas, we're here. We had to travel through Angstville, USA to get to this point, but how we feeling?_
> 
> "I'm a lot less angsty on [tumblr](http://fromsolowithlove.tumblr.com)," she said with her fingers crossed behind her back.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben messed up. But Rey's the forgiving type, right?
> 
> A mini-Monday update because the spirit moved me.

Tiny ants. Or maybe a million tiny ants wielding a million baby hammers. That's what Ben was sure he’d wake up to. He tried to sit up but was pulled back down by the weight of tingling numbness. Upon slowly opening his eyes, he realized the root of the problem. His arm was caught beneath his head and he was splayed out across his couch. The space was adequate for reading, folding laundry, and entertaining non-existent guests. However, it was nowhere near large enough for providing his long frame with a restful night’s sleep.

With his functioning hand, he gripped his arm and squeezed the numbness away with tight compressions. Once the blood began rushing back to his muscles, he sighed at his renewed mobility. He stood up with a slow pull to the right, then left, and finally forward. Ben let gravity take on most of the work as he stretched. _Crack, crack, crack_ , went his joints.

Ben padded over to his bedroom and snuck a peek. The sight of Rey sleeping in his bed was nowhere near as sensual or glamorous as one would think. A mess of chestnut hair sticking every which way. Her head and one lithe limb hung over the side of the bed. _That can't be comfortable,_ he thought. And yet, her tangled positioning made her feel that much more real. She wasn’t some fantasy. Though beautiful, it made her seem as human as ever. Tangible. And that thought filled Ben’s stomach with unease.

 _I should move her back onto the bed_ , he decided. A couple of steps forward, then he stopped himself. Knowing what he did about Rey's background, he wondered if moving her might startle her. In no way was he prepared to be the target of her self-defense. _Better safe than sorry_ , he reckoned. He backed into the hallway, still staring at her sleeping form.

Ben grabbed a can of Arizona Iced Tea from the fridge and slumped into a dining table chair. He wasn’t quite ready to forgive the couch for his early morning paralysis.

 _She’s still here._ He shook his head at the realization. _It’s the morning - and she’s still here._ Any other guy his age would laugh at him. There was hardly anything promiscuous about sleeping in separate rooms. But he knew that last night had changed things between them. It was somehow intimate in a way that sent Ben’s brain into overdrive.

_“Everyone leaves me, Ben. And now, it feels like you will, too,” she had told him._

_He took her hand. “I keep trying to. But I can’t.”_

_She stared at their connected palms and slowly closed the gap between them. Ben tried to slow his breaths as he did on a strenuous run._ In through the nose, out through the mouth _, he reminded himself. Her head rested against his chest, but he didn’t dare move._

_Her cries slowed the way he wished his breathing would. Still holding his hand, she whispered, “Explain.”_

_He gulped._ What exactly did she want him to explain?

_She led him to the couch and took a seat right in the middle. Ben mimicked her actions in the small space she had left him. He jotted a quick mental note that this was the closest they had ever been._

_She raised her eyes to meet his. Sitting so near to her, he studied her face with increased care. Had her eyes always been dashed with green? Was it just the lighting? He vowed to memorize the flecks of gold and green in case she never allowed him this close again. He understood how badly he had hurt her by not showing up._

_“What happened earlier tonight?” she began. “You said something happened. Does it have something to do with you trying to avoid me? How you said you keep trying to leave me...but can’t?”_

_The familiarity of a dry mouth was coming on and Ben attempted to swallow back his nerves._

_He broke eye contact - and Rey called him on it right away._

_“Ben. Please. I like you. I just want us to understand one another.”_

_“Right...I-I…”_

_“Ben. I promise. No judgment.”_

_She had read his mind._

_“Okay.” He stilled his knee which had begun bouncing without his permission._

_“My mom called earlier,” he offered._

_“But this time, she actually left a voicemail.”_

_“Oh,” she whispered._

_“Yeah. And normally, I wouldn’t listen to it right away. But, I was getting ready to meet you. So I was in a better mood than normal...” He caught himself and a tinge of pink touched his cheeks and neck._

_Rey's cheeks mirrored his._

_“She called to wish me a happy birthday. Which was expected. But then she mentioned that she and my dad would be here this week. For Thanksgiving, I'm assuming.”_

_Rey didn't say anything. She was being patient. More patient than he deserved._

_“She said they wanted to see me. And my body reacted even before my brain processed it. I think, I think I told you that I hadn't seen them in almost a year, right?”_

_She nodded in acknowledgment, but her eyes begged otherwise._ But why did you leave me waiting for you?! _he could feel her demand._

_He dug his fingernails into his palm. Then he dove in._

_"Since I was a teen, I've been dealing with anxiety attacks."_

_"Oh. Like hyperventilating and hyper-fixating, right? I knew some foster kids who had those back in England."_

_"Not quite? That's more like a panic attack. Which is a more extreme form and can come out of nowhere. Anxiety attacks, or at least mine, are definitely triggered by stressors. In this case, seeing my parents. They don't last as long, but at the moment, it can feel like I've lost control. Like I'm helpless. Breathing gets harder, I get clammy. All of a sudden I'm weak and feel like my heart is working twice as hard."_

_He glanced her way to check in. She should be ready to bolt by now. He was throwing out a lot of terminologies that he knew would solidify his label as a freak or weirdo. She put a hand on his knee._

_"So is that what happened then? You had an anxiety attack?"_

_"Yes. I just holed myself up in here and turned on some music to focus on something outside myself. Turned off my phone and waited for it to pass. I swear I meant to text you, but by the time I realized, it was too late. I figured after not showing, you wouldn't want to speak to me anymore anyway."_

_"I thought I might not want to, either. But I think it's kind of like you said. It's beyond a conscious choice now. I can't help but want to be around you."_

_"Me too," he admitted._

_"Thank you for telling me. I mean it. Your secret is safe with me."_

_He nodded._

_"I've got an idea." Rey's eyes lit up._

_He questioned her with a raised brow._

_"Do you have your laptop?" she clarified._

_He grabbed it from his backpack before hesitantly handing it over._

_She pulled up YouTube in a browser and he watched over her shoulder as she typed in "Dr. Dog concert"._

_She pressed play and leaned back. “We can still get our concert in," she smiled._

_45 minutes later, she had fallen asleep against Ben's shoulder._

_"Rey. It's late. Don't you need to get home?" he asked._

_"Plutt won't even notice", she muttered, eyelids still shut._

_Ben didn't know what to say to that. He knew Plutt wasn't the greatest, but surely there must have been some ground rules._

_"Are you sure you won't be in trouble?"_

_"Stop worrying. Is it ok if I just stay here?"_

_Ben wished at that moment for more friends. Anyone to call on for advice. Someone who could tell him how a normal person might react in this situation. An image of Poe flashed into his head, but he decided against it. One, Poe would never let him live it down, and two, he was still their employer._

_With no experience nor voice of reason in his ear, he said “yes.”_

_“You can take the bed,” he decided aloud. He shook her shoulder until she rose._

_He was thankful at that moment that living on his own meant not having many possessions. His place always seemed clean._

_She followed behind him in a sleep-induced daze until they reached his bedroom. Eyes struggling to stay open, she climbed under his covers. She wrestled the sheets until she found a comfortable position._

_"Uhh, good night then," he said._

_"Aren't you going to stay?"_

_"Why?" His eyes widened._

_"It's your bed."_

_"You're the guest. Besides, I wouldn't want you to think I was forcing anything."_

_"It's fine, Ben. I shared a bed so many times throughout foster care."_

_"I didn't know that was allowed," he said._

_"Yeah, well, I don’t know that a lot of families that took me in were too keen on the rules."_

_"I'll take the couch. But sleep well, Rey."_

_She bit down on her lip. She seemed to be thinking over her next words with careful consideration. "Physical contact is a big thing for me. I'll fall asleep faster if you're here," she continued._

_Ben's mind jumped at the thought._ What did she mean by that? _Every worst-case_ _scenario filled his head. If she needed physical contact to sleep, how did she sleep in Plutt's house?_

_“Ummm, you don't have to... You know... At home? With Plutt?”_

_“God, no. He sucks, but I'm just a payday for him. Otherwise, he ignores me. Thankfully, actually. But, I normally just push myself against the wall and stack blankets to give me the pressure I need.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“Come on. I swear I won't bite. And you owe me. Plus, after the night you've had, I think we could both use a good rest on an actual bed.”_

_Ben finally gave in._

_“I'm going to stay on the outside of the blankets though.”_

_“Sure.”_

_He switched off the light and walked over to the bed. Careful to keep his distance, he laid on his back and stared at the ceiling._

_Rey inched herself closer to him inside of the blanket. He noted how their skin would be touching if not for the self-inflicted barrier of fabric. Even so, he could feel her warmth radiating._

_“Goodnight, Ben," she whispered._

_“Good night, Rey.”_

_He waited for her to fall asleep. Once he was sure, he removed himself as slowly and quietly as possible. With one last look, he inched back toward the safety of the living room._

He took a long chug of his Arizona. Rey was still asleep, but after remembering last night, he had made up his mind.

She had trusted him so easily with her feelings. With her physical boundaries. And when he had told her about his anxiety attacks, she had accepted that too without judgment. Ben knew that he needed to tell her about his past. He owed it to her if he wanted to remain friends. If he wanted them to become more.

But this was more than anxiety attacks. Would she understand? Then again, hadn't she been the one to first admit she felt compelled to be near him? 

He dug in his backpack for a notebook and pen. He was terrible at expressing things with words, a skill he had no doubt inherited from his father. But writing out his thoughts always helped. This was a practice he had learned from his mother early on in childhood. Years later, when he was prescribed therapy, it had helped all the same.

_My whole life, I've always felt alone. I'm an only child with no siblings or cousins. My parents -_

“How’d you end up out here?” He turned and saw Rey as she rubbed at her eyes and yawned with all the grace of a baby sloth.

“I woke up early.”

Rey shrugged off his answer and joined him at the dining table.

As she sat, Ben stared. Last night, he had been so swept up in his anxiety and their argument that he hadn’t taken in how stunning she looked. But in her half-awake state, he could admire her slowly. Half her hair had been pulled into a bun atop her head, though strands now fell into wisps around her face. She wore a white muscle tee that was cut low at the sides. He did his best to keep a neutral face when he realized her lacy bra was peeking out. Her toned legs were on full display in ripped denim cutoffs. He wasn't sure if he wanted her to stay exactly like that or if he should run and get her sweatpants. Her camo jacket had been thrown onto the arm of the couch during their YouTube watching. She had definitely dressed up for him. _It_ was _a romantic date_ , he celebrated.

“Did you want some cereal?” Ben offered. “It’s that or eggs.”

“What do you normally eat?” she asked.

“Cereal.”

“Then so will I.”

Metal clanged as they both spooned the corn flakes into their mouths.

“Sorry my food selection is so boring,” he apologized.

“You’ll find I’m not a picky eater, Ben,” she laughed.

“So, you’ve been really patient with me, and I think we should ta-”

Rey’s jaw dropped and her spoon hit the bowl, splashing milk over the side.

“Oh my gosh! Happy birthday!” she exclaimed.

“You already texted me the other day.”

“I know. But I never greeted you in person. I meant to yesterday. But you know...”

“Oh...Well, thanks.” It was a sweet gesture, but Ben was starting to lose his nerve.

“So...you’re 19 now.”

“Yeah, why do you ask?”

She stirred her remaining cereal and let out a small chuckle. “I was just... During one of the times that Finn was upset with me... He was saying how if we started...seeing each other, we couldn't do anything. Because you were legally an adult…and I’m not. And yeah.”

“Do anything?”

“Yeah.. you know. _Consensually_.” She still didn’t look him in the eye.

“Oh.” Ben’s cheeks burned. As did his ears. This was becoming a repeat occurrence.

“But just so you know...I turn 18 in February.”

Ben prayed to any and all gods listening. _Please let all the blood stay in my face. Let her see me blush. Just please don’t let the blood move downward._

“But kissing is ok. I looked it up.”

No prayer could help him now. “You-you did?” he sputtered.

“Ben, I really like you. I must be really bad at flirting if you can’t tell by now. But, I can't be the only one feeling this.”

“You're not,” he confessed.

“Then kiss me.”

For the first time since pouring her a bowl of his favorite food, he met her stare.

She blinked her lashes at him, daring him to turn away. Ben reached to cradle her head, and he pulled her mouth against his.

Everything about the kiss was soft. Her lips against his. Her hair in his grip. Her hand stroking his cheek.

He felt her breathe him in and his mouth opened in response. Another caress of her lips when he felt her tongue against his. His skin prickled with the new sensation, and he felt her taste him again. This time more determined, more curious. He was eager to please and massaged her tongue back slowly. Though she worked his mouth hungrily, he fought her for control. He fully intended to savor every part of this moment in languid appreciation. He kissed her deeply one last time before pulling back.

“You're _really_ good at that,” she breathed.

“You don't have to say that.”

“I'm sure every girl you've kissed has told you the same.”

Ben coughed. “You're only the second girl I've kissed.”

“Oh.”

Ben braced himself for her disappointment.

“I kind of like that,” she smirked.

“You do?”

“Yeah. It's like I found this hidden treasure that no one has even been aware of.”

Ben smiled. “I think that’s going overboard.”

“No such thing,” Rey countered. “I’ve got good taste and I know it.”

“Rey,” Ben began. “Before we keep going on with...whatever this is. I need to tell you everything.”

“You did. Last night.”

“No. About my past. And then you can decide if you still feel the same way.”

She paused. “Of course.”

Though Rey bravely took his hand, Ben couldn't help but notice the throbbing of her pulse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday, yall! The week kind of already feels like it's kicking my butt, but it's okay. Because...
> 
> Exhibit A: Reylo kiss at the Oscars...  
> and now...  
> Exhibit B: Reylo kiss in my fic.
> 
> These babies...I just...sigh. Also, Rey is so thirsty MWAHAHA. Just acting the way we all feel, _amirite_?
> 
> No fun Poe or record shop moments in this update. But at least we've made physical contact. 😉
> 
>  **Thank you thank you THANK YOU to all those who continue to read, comment, and kudo-drop on this little fic of mine. It means more to me than I could ever express.**
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](http://fromsolowithlove.tumblr.com) if you ever want to join me in all the oogling and crying that takes place in between me going to work and writing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was that about avoiding my real-life responsibilities and deadlines? Oh right. Yes. That is in fact what I'm doing.
> 
> Enjoy Chapter 6! We're about 3/4 of the way through. 😊

“Where to start?” Ben blew his frustration out his mouth. And with it, the hair which had fallen to cover his eyes.

He glanced at Rey and shook his head. “You were supposed to sleep longer,” he joked. “I was gonna write this all out first.”

“I prefer candid,” she said. “No editing down allowed.”

“Oh. Okay. Uhhh, I guess I'll start with my parents.”

He pulled at the strings on his hoodie to even them out. 

“Today, Ben,” Rey pressed. 

“Right. So. My mom is Leia Organa-Solo. Or more formally, Senator Organa-Solo.”

“Sounds fancy.”

“Oh, she is. She was born into a political family. Was raised to uphold the tradition. But it doesn't stop there.” 

“My dad is Han Solo,” he continued. “Also more formally known as retired United States Navy Admiral Han Solo.”

“What a mouthful.” He bit into his lower lip, still gauging her reaction.

“So. Both your parents come with very elite titles,” she mused. “What title do you come with?”

Rey’s quick wit was one of Ben’s favorite things. He needed her levity more than ever as he confronted his less than squeaky past.

“None. Just Ben Solo.”

“Hmm. I don’t know that I believe you.” She squinted with inquisition. “Prince Ben Solo, perhaps?”

Ben cocked his head in annoyance. “Are you done terrorizing me?”

“ _Never_. I can't help myself,” she declared. “But, please. Continue.”

“Like you've already noted, my parents are pretty big deals. My mom was born into social status. My dad came from nothing but clawed his way to the top. And then, they had me.”

She reached for his hand before saying, “I think it's pretty great they did.” Ben couldn’t remember ever enjoying hand-holding so much.

“The problem was that they only had me. No other kids. Which makes sense since they were hardly ever in the same place for too long. And that was fine, considering they would fight non-stop whenever they were. But it also meant that all their aspirations for upholding the Solo name fell on _me_ , their only kid.”

“And I tried. I swear I did. Academic abilities and talents? I excelled with minimal effort. But, social graces? I could never get out of my head. So, instead of being the charismatic overachiever, I was just the somewhat-smart freak with no friends. It didn't help that I was raised by assistants that came in and out faster than I could remember their names.”

“Long story short, I got tired of trying to please people who were never there.”

Rey nodded in understanding. 

“And I don't know, they didn't abuse me or anything. They told me they loved me. I had everything money could buy.”

“But that's not all a growing child needs, Ben.” She grabbed his forearm. “Trust me. I know.”

“Yeah. So eventually, I stopped trying. Not just with them. But with everything. Got into some bad shit. Lots of fights. Lots of ditching school. Hanging with the wrong crowd.”

“Completely understandable,” she affirmed.

“And by the summer after sophomore year, I had zero fucks left to give.”

“Sure.”

“I mean, my dad has always been a hardass.”

“Military can do that,” she offered.

“Actually, that's oversimplifying it. Yes, he's always been a hardass. But not always with me.”

Ben ran his fingers through the top of his head. To untangle his waves. To untangle his thoughts.

“When I was younger, we were really close. I idolized him. Despite him being a hardass, he was the one to stay up with me whenever I had nightmares. When I got frustrated, he'd tell me stories about his rough upbringing. He tried to teach me how to deal with my overwhelming feelings.” 

“But as I got older, we just lost that somehow. Without him there to remind me to work through my shit, it took over my life and pushed him away. And by that summer, he was just so fed up with me. He’d been on my case constantly about wasting my talent. Like I said, he was someone who had grown up on the wrong side of the tracks. Had actually done a lot of the same shit I was doing. Even ran with drug dealers, which is worse than anything I was into. But that didn't stop him from totally laying into me one night. I’ll never forget what he said. ‘ _I don't know what happened to my son, but you're not him_.’”

“No…”

“Yeah. I mean, he wasn’t raised to be diplomatic or eloquent like my mom, but that really fucked me up.”

Ben continued. “For _him_ , with _his_ past? To lash out and be disappointed in me? That set me off. So I ended up in a field outside of town somehow, and I just...I set fire to it.”

He waited for her gasp, but no sound came.

“I watched it burn, telling myself I could put it out at any second. I was sure I was the only one around, so I knew no one was in danger. No one but me. And that felt okay. Because who would care if I got hurt?”

Rey sat with tears rimming her eyes, but she remained still.

“Well, someone saw it from the highway and called it in. The police showed up and arrested me. Third-degree arson. They should’ve tried me as an adult,” he said, shaking his head.

“In fact, I should still be in jail. But with my parents' connections and influence, the spoiled rich kid got off. I served 6 months in juvie, and then my parents and I left the country. I missed my entire junior year under the guise of ‘ _senatorial work abroad_ ’.”

“That’s a good thing, Ben.”

“Is it really, though?”

“Yeah. Any parent would have done the same for their child.”

“But that’s the thing. They didn’t do it for _me_ , Rey. They did it for _themselves_. To cover their asses. To avoid answering the prying questions. How could two upstanding members of society raise such a delinquent son?”

“I’m sure that wasn’t it.”

Ben breathed a sound somewhere between longing and tiredness. “I appreciate you having such a positive outlook on it, but I’m living here alone, aren’t I?”

“Right,” she conceded.

“So yeah, I come back and have to do my junior year with all the kids who were a class below me. As if I wasn't enough of a social pariah already. You know - what with being a senator and admiral’s son who couldn’t hold conversations with anyone.”

“But it's okay. Because my parents, they’re sticking around for jeez, the longest I can remember since I was a really small kid. I mean, they’re _really_ playing the part of a loving family. Mom’s working from home most days. Dad has officially retired and is cooking dinner almost every night. At school, I'm skating by. And like Finn said, even though I don't want to be on it, I'm getting a lot of attention on the cross-country team. We spend my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas together before they drop the bomb.”

Rey shifted uncomfortably. 

“They tell me that my Mom’s accepted work overseas and Dad is going with her. Two weeks, but potentially a bit longer. At first, I didn't react, because I’m so deep into believing their whole perfect family ruse. I assume I’m going with them.”

“Then my mom starts packing and I follow suit. When my dad walks by and sees me, he says, ‘I thought you were gonna tell him, Leia.’”

“Apparently, I was never in their plans post-holidays. If anything, they were just holding out until I turned 18 before leaving me behind again. Maybe they wanted to watch me like a hawk to make sure I stayed out of jail.”

“When my mom finally talked to me, she basically told me I had no choice. I was staying because there was absolutely no way I was gonna miss school. She offered to call one of our former help to stay with me. I guess that was nice.”

“But I practically begged, Rey. I told her that school was a joke anyway and I could easily test out with a GED.”

“I swear she nearly had a heart attack then and there. She said no son of hers would have a GED.”

“So after New Year’s, they left and I stayed. Then by February, I decided, you know what? I could leave, too.”

“Since I was 18, I had access to my trust fund from my grandparents. I said ‘fuck it’ and found this place. I just couldn’t stand to be in that house anymore, you know? I used to pass this apartment complex on my way to school so it was the first thing that popped into my head. Luckily enough, the cash payment made them see past my lack of rental background.”

“After a couple of months though, I realized that using my trust fund money was still relying on my parents. So I started looking for a job. By May, I had met Poe, who agreed to start me after school let out.”

“Which brings us to here and now I guess.” Ben shrugged as if he had just explained the contents of his breakfast and not his deepest wounds.

Rey leaned over and kissed him. It was slow, gentle, and full of care. Nothing like earlier that morning. “Thank you for telling me. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that alone.”

“You did too, though, right? Everyone’s got shit.”

“Doesn’t make it okay though. But at least we can be broken together.”

He squeezed her hand. “Anyways, that's enough depressing shit for the morning. We better get ready to head into work soon. I'm sure you want to go home and change.”

Rey looked down at her clothing. “My outfit’s that bad, huh?” she grimaced.

“NO. No. Very good,” Ben insisted. He spoke more to himself than to Rey. 

She laughed. “Good. Then it worked. I swear. It's so easy to mess with you.”

Leaning over once more, she planted another quick kiss before she was out the door. 

* * *

“Ahhhh, two of my favorite employees,” Poe said, barely glancing up from his magazine.

“Oh no, what do you want?” Ben asked.

“Whoa... It's the weekend and I get to carbo-load on Thursday. You can take that hostility elsewhere, buddy.”

Rey laughed and moved to pick up a cardboard box filled with untagged CDs. Ben jumped in to help her lift the box onto the side counter.

Poe cleared his throat. “So, how was the show last night?” 

“Uhh...good,” Ben and Rey answered in unison. 

Poe’s stare ping-ponged between the two in suspicion. 

“Crazy how they brought out Taylor Rice from Local Natives, right?”

“Insane,” Rey nodded. Ben turned his focus to the CDs. 

“EXCEPT THAT THEY DIDN'T!” Poe exclaimed. “I just made that up!”

“Why would you make something like that up?” Ben asked, eyes now on Celine Dion who stared up at him from her place on the album cover.

“ _Because_. There's something weird going on here. You both walked in here together like you’d get electrocuted if you were more than two feet apart. And now we've just confirmed that you didn't even go to the show.”

“So what if we didn't?” Rey questioned. 

“So what?!” Poe looked like he was ready to implode on himself. He shook his limbs out and pressed his palms together. “Dear Jimi Hendrix in heaven above, please let me be right.”

He shoved an accusatory finger their way. 

“I think _Casamentero Poe_ has finally done it. You two are TOGETHER.”

Heat filled Ben's face and Rey just laughed it off.

“Oh, this is amazing,” Poe smirked. “Dameron. You are one talented son of a bitch.”

“Why do you get any credit for this?” mocked Rey. 

“Please. This shop. This job. The music. Me abandoning Ben to force him to talk to you. I, _fluent in the language of love_ , set the stage for _this_ to happen.”

“Yeah, ok, sure. Just don't be weird about it, ok?”

* * *

The next few days flew by in a way Ben couldn’t have predicted. After returning to school last year, he had written off any hopes of a romantic relationship. Not when there weren’t even any hopes for a friendship.

He stared at Rey as she picked at her french fries. “What?” she asked, mouth full of her favorite carb.

“Nothing,” Ben apologized. It wasn’t the first time he’d been lost in thought over her. Most of the contemplation was positive. Mental logs of the funny jokes she told or adorable theories she’d ramble on about. Less often, he fought off the dread of _This is too good to be true_ or _It’s only a matter of time before I screw this up_.

Her voice brought him back. 

“Soooo...have you decided what you’re going to do?”

“About what?”

“Your mom's message.”

Leia was persistent if nothing else. She had kept to her word and left Ben a voicemail over the weekend. _I'm really hoping you can join us at the house for Thanksgiving dinner,_ she offered so simply. As if she were offering a stranger a tissue, and not offering her estranged son a reunion. 

When Ben didn't respond, Rey chimed in.

“I think you should go.”

He cursed as his knee hit the diner tabletop. “After everything I told you, you still think it's a good idea?”

“I think it'd be great for them to see that you are doing SO WELL without them. It'll surprise them that you actually agreed to it. It gives you the upper hand.”

He considered her words and snuck her the smallest of smiles. One clearly meant just for her. “You're pretty smart in a sneaky way.”

“Tell me something I don't know,” she joked. 

* * *

It was Wednesday night and Ben had already started to cringe over the events of the next day. His fear subsided temporarily when he saw his phone light up with his favorite name.

_You wanna hang out after you're done with dinner tomorrow?_

_Shit._ He hadn't even thought to ask her what she had planned for Thanksgiving. But he just assumed she wouldn’t be celebrating since she was English. Even though inviting her to come with him would ease his own worries, it’d be cruel and unusual punishment for her.

_Yeah of course. I'll call you when I'm done._

* * *

Ten minutes from his house, Ben walked up to a mansion with a box of freshly baked cookies. He didn't understand why this was one of the few etiquette rules that had remained seared into his brain.

Before he could reach the doorbell, his mom swung open the looming mahogany blockade. 

“It's good to see you, son.”

He winced. 

“Look, Han, Ben brought cookies!”

“Mr. and Mrs. Solo,” he nodded at his parents. He'd promised Rey he'd come. But he didn't promise he'd forgive them.

Han eyed him slowly. 

“Quit it, kid. I’m still your dad. Go on. Get inside.”

The meal had gone exactly as Ben had expected. By dessert, his tongue and cheeks were bruised from all the biting in restraint. His mother was very much the poised diplomat, acting as if there was no animosity. And his father had been sliding him microaggression after microaggression. 

_“Wow, you’ve been at the job since June? Good for you. A little struggle really helps a guy man up.”_

_“Still on track to graduate? Who would’ve thought after the shit you pulled?”_

Ben tried to concentrate on the pumpkin pie. _You have the upper hand. You’re showing them how well you’re doing by coming here._ He tried to keep his head level but found it increasingly difficult with every minute.

“Are you seeing anyone?” Leia changed the subject to the one topic every mom seemed predisposed to pry about.

“Uh, yeah. Sort of. It’s new.”

“That’s nice, sweetheart.”

“Well, which is it, Ben?” Han interrupted. “Are you together or not? I don’t understand what there is to be unsure about.”

“Han, stop,” Leia warned.

“I’m just saying, don't let this girl string you along. Kids these days are so uncommitted. Too overstimulated to keep their attention on any one thing for too long. ”

“You’re one to talk,” Ben muttered.

Han pushed his chair back and walked over to Ben. “What the hell did you just say to me?” Ben stood up just as quickly.

After a deep breath, he replied. His mouth said “Nothing” while his eyes said _Go to hell_.

“Good. I’m not gonna get in a fight with my own son over a piece of tail.”

With that, Ben was gone. He cocked his arm back until it made contact with Han’s jaw.

Though older, his father hadn’t lost his brawn. Ben’s blow had sent him stumbling, but not to the ground.

Red stained the white tablecloth as Han spit out blood. He lunged at Ben, who quickly dodged him with a side step.

Han and Ben were mirrored in height. And both had the shoddy backgrounds to be well-matched opponents. Soon, they were both against the china cabinet, struggling to restrain the other party. Profanities, perspiration, and pieces of damaged family heirlooms covered the room.

And then - so did blue and red lights.

“You called the cops, Leia?” Han roared.

“I didn’t know what else to do,” she said, shaking.

Ben whipped his head around to look at his mother. He swallowed back words, then turned to Han.

“You’ve got brute strength, Admiral. But the Senator - she’s the one to watch out for.”

Enveloped in betrayal, Ben walked himself over to the police officer and presented his wrists. “Happy Thanksgiving.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Leia and Han. Good people. Not the greatest of parents. _(Uh oh. This is when the diehards come for me, right?)_ But psychologically speaking, if we're humanizing Ben along with his parents, this tracks. **I said what I said.**
> 
> Hope you had a good time reading this chappie! A little guest appearance from _Casamentero Poe_ (Matchmaker Poe) because I was really starting to miss him.
> 
> **Thanks for hanging in there and leaving me all the lovely words, kudos, and[tumblr notes](http://fromsolowithlove.tumblr.com) that you do. **


	7. Chapter 7

“Solo? Yeah, you’re free to go.” A police officer stared at Ben as he made his way to the edge of the cell.

“Victim is asking that no charges be brought,” the officer explained further.

“How gracious of him,” Ben muttered.

Once outside, Ben walked to the bus stop and waited to head home. He pulled out his cell phone. “No battery. Of course. Jesus. Fucking. Christ.” He had to call Rey - but now regretted not having memorized her number. 

_She’s probably pissed. Or worried._ He growled, not knowing what to do. The woman next to him at the bus stop stood up slowly as if to move. He raised a hand in apology. “I’m sorry ma'am, I didn’t mean to startle you. I’ll move. You stay."

Ben got up and moved five feet over. _Or maybe she didn’t even realize you missed post-dinner plans. Because she’s gotten bored of you. Like you always knew she would._ He definitely needed to get home soon. Even if Rey wasn’t going to kill him for ditching her, his inner demons surely would.

When he got off the bus twenty minutes later, he ran into the apartment and scrambled to charge his phone. 

“Come on, come on, come on.” He urged his phone to power on quicker. As his screen lit up, the notifications flew in.

**_5 new messages from Rey Johnson_ **

**_3 missed calls from Rey Johnson_ **

**_1 missed call from Han Solo_ **

**_1 missed call from Leia Organa-Solo_ **

**_1 new voicemail from Leia Organa-Solo_ **

The voicemail from his mom could wait. There was nothing she could say to undo the damage she’d done the night before. But Rey’s messages - he had to see what she had said.

_Just checking in to make sure you’re still alive. Say the word and I can rescue you from the parents._

_Wow, guess it must be going well! I’m happy for you, Ben!_

_Um, I guess we’re not hanging out anymore? 😬 That’s fine but lemme know._

_Ben...where are you? What’s going on?_

The bottom of his stomach dropped out when he saw that her final text was lengthy. And it was sent at 1:43 AM. 

_Ben, I don’t know wtf is going on but I can’t get a hold of you. I’ve called and texted but you’re gone. Dust in the fucking wind. You promised you’d stay. That you’d show up. And I thought you understood how fucked I get about it all. Abandonment issues or whatever. But I guess Finn was right. You were always going to let me down, weren’t you? I just wish you hadn’t opened up to me about everything. Bc it really feels like a slap in the face. That you could trust me with that. But then still leave me anyways. Idk. I can’t keep doing this. I can't keep waiting for people who don't want me the same way I want them. Please don’t bother calling or texting back. I was an idiot to think we could work._

Ben threw his phone at the floor. He felt his insides being torn into two. It was a pain he hadn’t felt in a long time. The kind he thought he could no longer feel. His head grew heavy from the tears he needed to shed, and the words he wished he could say. 

He picked up his phone and dialed Rey. He couldn't let her think he didn't want her. He did. More than that. He needed her. The phone rang a single time before going to voicemail. Ben tried four more times. And four more times he got her voicemail.

“Rey. Can we meet? I fucked up with my parents which is why I couldn't call you. I would never do that to you. You know that. You have to know that. It's better if I explain in person. Call me back.”

* * *

He took a deep breath before opening the back door to _Resistance Records_. Rey still hadn't responded to his voicemail or texts - but everything he'd read on the internet suggested he give her space. Luckily, he knew she would be at work today and he looked forward to finally making amends. 

When he walked into the employee lounge, he laid his bag down. As he surveyed the space, he could immediately sense she wasn't there. Ben hurried into the shop to find Poe at the counter. 

“Hey, man. Is Rey working today?”

Poe spoke in a deep voice meant to mock Ben. “Hi, Poe. Your hair looks great.” “Why thank you, Ben.”

Ben shook his head. “Sorry. Hi, Poe. Your hair does look great.”

“Damn right it does. As for Rey, I was just gonna ask you about your girl. She texted me a couple of nights ago. Said she had something personal come up and she had to quit.”

“Fuuuuck,” Ben dragged out.

“So I'm guessing you don't know what's going on with her then?”

“No, I'm pretty sure I do. Well now, I do. But it just means things are worse than I thought.”

Ben started walking the shop floor, looking to busy himself with anything at all.

“I know I'm good, Ben. But I'm not a mind reader. Your cryptic exasperation isn't telling me shit. What the fuck is going on?”

“I don't know. I don't really wanna talk about it.”

“Bullshit,” Poe pushed.

“Fine. I think I'm the reason she quit.”

“What'd you do?”

“We were supposed to hang out after Thanksgiving dinner with my parents. But my mom called the police on me and I got detained for the night. And now Rey -”

“Hold on. You got detained? For what?”

“I punched my dad and then he came at me and yeah. I lost it. But in my defense, he referred to Rey as a ‘piece of tail’. And I mean, I'm used to my parents shitting on _me_. But I couldn't have him talk about _her_ that way. To objectify her.”

Poe let out a long whistle. “Continue.”

“Yeah, so. I was in jail and obviously, I couldn't call Rey. And she sent all these messages.”

Ben pulled out his phone to look at Rey’s last texts to him. Not that he needed to look at them. He’d memorized them within the first hour of leaving her his pleading voicemail. He handed the device to Poe.

Poe read them over, eyes widening the further he read down. “ _Caray_ , Ben. Damn.”

“I know. What do I do now? I’ve already left her a voicemail and she hasn’t reached out.” 

“Yeah...Rey’s not the type to forgive just like that. Maybe just give her some time.”

* * *

The wind-chill was always colder in January. At least in the Pacific Northwest. Everyone knew that. Everyone except for the girl walking half-a-block ahead of Ben. She wore a long-sleeve henley as her only layer and he almost laughed when the gust of wind nearly knocked her over. 

“Oh shit!” the girl exclaimed. 

Ben froze in place for a moment, though not from the weather. He should've known it was her from the lack of proper outerwear. But then again, he didn’t know what to believe anymore. He thought he had seen her in every passing face for the first two weeks following their breakup. If it could even be called that. 

Without thinking, he ran to catch up to her. He began to unzip his own jacket as he cleared his throat to get her attention. “You should take this. You'll catch pneumonia.”

Rey responded to his voice first with warmth, then anger. Ben watched as her eyes widened in recognition, then shrank to disdain. She opened her mouth, seemingly ready to hurl an insult at him. Instead, she ran off, leaving Ben with his jacket still extended in hand. 

* * *

Later that night, Poe came to help Ben close. “Jesus, who died?”

“What do you mean?”

“Look. You’ve got resting sad face - we know this. But today you look particularly miserable.”

“I saw her.”

“Rey?”

“Yup. For the first time since Thanksgiving.”

“You seriously haven’t even bumped into her since then?”

“Nope. She’s good at avoiding me.”

“And did you talk?”

“No, she ran off.”

Poe knocked his fist against his nose a few times before he let out a small groan. “I one-hundred percent should not be saying what I’m going to say next, okay, man?

Ben simply nodded.

“You need to quit wallowing in self-pity. Either let her go and move on - or do something about getting her back. Cause I can tell you, little miss Rey is just as devastated as you.”

“How would you know?”

“She comes by now and again to sell some used vinyls. Said she’s gotta do everything she can to save up. I told her to just come back and work, but she said, and I quote - ‘ _It’d hurt too much to see him'_.”

“Well if that’s what she said, what makes you think there’s anything I can do to get her back?”

“Because she’s clearly not angry, just heartbroken. Heartbroken means you have a chance.”

Ben looked around slowly and then back at his friend. “I know what I have to do, Poe.”

* * *

Ben never knew what to say. Actually, his words almost always made the situation worse. But the one thing he did understand was music. Which is why he found himself running to Rey's house.

He jogged up the steps and laid the peace offering down. To be safe, he grabbed a couple of empty beer bottles that bordered the patio to hold down the sleeve. Certain that his apology was secure, he rang the doorbell and ran off as quickly as he could.

When Rey opened the door, Ben was long gone. But on her step sat a vinyl. It was Elliott Smith’s _Either/Or_ album . She picked it up and turned it over, spotting a yellow sticky note. **< \--- #12 is for you**

* * *

Ben lay on the ground of his living room floor, letting “Say Yes” play for the tenth time straight since he got back. 

_Situations get fucked up and turned around sooner or later_

_And I could be another fool or an exception to the rule_

_You tell me the morning after_

_Crooked spin can't come to rest_

_I'm damaged bad at best_

_She'll decide what she wants_

He knew it was a long shot leaving Rey a vinyl with little explanation. But something also told him that some grand gesture a la roses or John Cusack with a boombox wouldn't work with her either. An apology sans him, that she could process by herself, seemed like the only way. It was also self-preservation. Ben didn't know that he'd be able to survive the blow of her rejecting his apology to his face. 

“That's enough for now,” he said to both himself and Elliott. 

He paused the song and walked over to the fridge. There was no milk. No eggs. Only ketchup and butter. And an open box of chicken broth. Ben moved over to the cupboards and was relieved to find a box of penne. He could always make himself some butter noodles. 

When his phone rang, he almost didn't pick it up. Only his parents ever called. Everyone else he knew were texters. 

But it turned out she was both. 

“Rey?”

“Hi, Ben." She exhaled. "I got the record. At least, I'm guessing it's from you.”

“It is.”

“I think it's time to talk.”

“Ok.”

“I'll be at your place in ten.”

Ben turned off the stove and ran to the sink. Splashing water on his face, he prepared himself to do whatever it took to get her back.

* * *

“Hi,” she whispered when Ben opened the door.

A wave of guilt washed over him the second he looked her in her eyes. The light that was there whenever she laughed, teased, or got angry was missing. The green flecks were gone and he was sure her orbs that now resembled the bare trees outside would match his own. He knew the transformation was his fault.

“Come on in,” he invited. “It’s really good to see you.”

She walked past with a soft smile but didn’t respond. 

Rey pulled out a chair at the dining table. She watched him carefully as he took the seat next to her.

Ben tried to slow his breathing as they shared each other’s space again for the first time since that night. He had imagined and reimagined this moment. Multiple times. Every day. Some iterations were joyful reunions. Others were screaming matches reminiscent of his own parents. As time went on, he began to wonder if he would feel the same way about her once they finally spoke. Earlier had been a brief preview, but it was nowhere near what he felt right now.

Right now, his feelings were stifling. He was racked with guilt just looking at her. She looked older. The same way that trauma survivors seemed to age overnight. But she was also still so beautiful. Even in an oversized hoodie and pajama bottoms, he couldn’t deny that she still made his heart race. He eyed the loose waves near her face and forced himself not to brush them away.

He was also anxious. So anxious. Yes, she was here. But that didn’t mean she intended to forgive him. For all he knew, she could have come to break his heart even more. What was left of it anyway. There was a good chance that despite her call, he would never get to hold her or kiss her again.

“So. It’s been a while,” she started.

“7 weeks, yesterday,” he noted.

“How do you know that?”

 _Because I’ve counted every day that you’ve been gone._ Outwardly, Ben just shrugged.

"I liked the song choice.”

“I’m glad.”

“I’m a little disappointed though.”

Ben slid deeper into the chair, dejected. “Oh. How come?”

“I don't know, you seem like the kind of guy to make a girl a whole playlist. And I only got one song.” Rey smiled and he could have sworn he saw a fleck of green return.

He let out a small chuckle, hesitant to react fully.

“So that night. Thanksgiving -”

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking -”

The two confessions immediately collided and both blubbered an apology.

“Sorry, you first,” Ben urged.

“No. Now I wanna know what you were gonna say,” she teased. 

It was as if someone had wiped away the fog. The tension had melted, and any stranger would have seen two friends talking. Not enemies.

“I'm so sorry, Rey. For what happened on Thanksgiving night. I -”

“I know you are, Ben. You really don't have to explain.”

“I do, though. I need you to know I would never do anything to hurt you. On purpose, at least.”

As Ben explained the events of that night, Rey never once looked away. By the end of his story, her chair was flush against his.

She grabbed his hand. “I'm sorry for the way I reacted. What an absolutely terrible thing to have happened. I've thought about it a lot, you know. That night. Not talking to you. And I know now it was just as much about my own fears as it was about you missing our date. I think I was scared about how strong my feelings for you were. And I figured instead of letting you hurt me further down the road, I would just cut it off first.”

Ben's heart ached. He had never considered that he wasn’t alone in his worry. That Rey might’ve also felt just as nervous. Without thinking, he placed his hands on her knees and leaned in to kiss her like she was his last taste of oxygen. 

“Oh,” Rey gasped. For the first time since they met, she was at a loss for words.

Ben smiled so wide his dimple popped out. “I still owe you a date.” 

She returned his grin. “Ok.”

“Can I take you out tomorrow night? After I get off work?”

Still breathless, she nodded.

* * *

The next day, Ben hopped the fence at his parents’ home. It wasn't hard with his giraffe legs. Also, he'd been doing it since middle school. He sent out a telepathic thank you to Poe. He had insisted Ben take the night off as soon as he told him about their plans for a date. 

Once he was over the barrier, he jogged over to the back door of the detached garage. A quick jiggle of the door revealed its unlocked state. _You're slipping in your old age, Admiral_ , he thought. 

A quick flick of his wrist and the car cover revealed his dad's pride and joy. His 1962 Ford Falcon Futura that he had won during a poker night long before Ben was born. Now, all that was left was to find the key. 

A black case on the bottom of Han’s tool shelf caught Ben's eye. It was his poker set reserved for game night with the boys. Ben flipped the golden latch and congratulated himself. There, next to the chips, were the keys to the Falcon. He laughed at Han’s predictability.

He tested the ignition and relaxed once he heard the engine turn over successfully. A quick press of the garage door remote and Ben headed for Rey’s house. 

She was already at the curb by the time he arrived. Ben rolled down the window to greet her.

“Since when do you own a car?” Rey asked, leaning in and resting her forearms against the driver’s door.

“I don't. But my parents are out of town again, so I borrowed my dad's old hunk of junk.”

Rey checked out the interior of the car. “I see.”

Ben nervously tapped on the steering wheel. “I just didn't want to mess up our first date. Again. Well, for a third time.”

“You better be careful, Solo,” she said, raising an eyebrow. “All this special treatment and you might never be able to get rid of me.”

“Trust me. That's definitely the plan,” he smirked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now we're here. The ending of _She Doesn't Know Who I Am._ They made it, yall. Not without a little pain. But thank the stars - they did it.
> 
> While this is technically the ending, there's still one chapter left ahead: the epilogue. Of course, that's likely to be shorter. :/
> 
> Listen to "Say Yes" here: [Elliott Smith - Say Yes](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SApDxwdaXbA)  
> I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider a good handful of other songs for Ben's apology song. It was actually a very close call between something from Elliott Smith and The Cure. But this seemed to best fit Ben's insecure/unsure/naive/first-time love feels. And like my husband always asks while sobbing to Elliott Smith, "WHO HURT YOU??" 
> 
> Obviously, I love music as much as Ben, Poe, and Rey do. So if you ever wanna talk Reylo songs, suggest Reylo songs for future fics, or chit chat about music in general, find me on [Tumblr](http://fromsolowithlove.tumblr.com) as @fromsolowithlove. 
> 
> **And a huge thank you for every kudo, view, and comment. Love you. Mean it.**


	8. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this final chapter, I just want to shoutout to [@ChristineWinchester](https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinewinchester/profile) who has commented on **every single chapter** of this fic. As a new writer to this fandom and AO3, your encouragement was EVERYTHING. I would gift you the moon if I could.

Ben ran his hands through his hair as he eyed the clock. 1:47 pm. In three minutes, they’d be behind schedule. Not that it mattered - he realized that the situation was completely out of his hands. 

“I don’t understand how we’re the ones still waiting on them,” he said. 

Finn removed the key from the ignition and threw his head back in amusement. “Right? I mean...WE’RE graduating today. Not them.”

They shook their heads in unison. “Girls.”

Knowing their fate was to sit and wait, the near-graduates leaned back into the seats of Finn's Hummer.

Over the past few months, Ben and Finn had reached a mutual understanding thanks to Rey’s stubborn efforts. It helped that Finn had found Rose. Or rather - that Rose had found Finn. And once Rey had picked up on the smallest of mutual feelings, she had jumped headfirst into matchmaking. When Rey wanted something, she got it. Her light, her magnetism, and her grit were only a few of many reasons why Ben loved her. 

But, he hadn’t told her that yet. And he didn’t plan on doing it anytime soon. They were in a great place and he couldn’t venture to do anything that might ruin it.

In a way, he suspected that she knew. How could she not feel that she was the new center of his universe? That he would sacrifice everything to make her happy? Every time they held each other’s gaze for longer than normal, he was sure his eyes were screaming “I love you. My heart is yours. Completely and unapologetically, yours.”

And the night of her birthday, well he was sure that must have been another dead giveaway of his love. With no signs of movement from inside Rose’s house, he allowed himself to remember it.

_ February 22nd had been branded into both their minds.  _

_ Rey wished on every dandelion and 11:11 for it to come sooner. Especially when Ben’s mouth was latched to hers and she longed to feel him closer in every single way.  _

_ Ben crossed his fingers behind his back whenever she brought up the big day. He overturned every penny on the sidewalk. He feared her turning 18 would signify the beginning of the end. _

_ But the day came nonetheless. A mere five weeks since their reunion, it arrived. No sooner. No later. But right on time. _

_ That afternoon, Ben had borrowed his dad’s Falcon again to pick Rey up. Before arriving, he almost abandoned the idea of driving. His nerves had him wound so tightly that he questioned their safety. And once she got in the car, he felt even more certain that it wasn’t a good idea. She was wearing a skirt for the first time. A skater skirt with black tights and her go-to Docs. Ben would have thought Rey looked beautiful in a trash bag. But the skirt? It seemed to shout a friendly reminder of the expectations for that night. _

_ The expectations that Rey had set. From that first morning that she had stayed over in his bed. From the moment she had asked him to kiss her.  _

_ Expectations that had forced him to walk into Target on a shopping trip the day before. Of the thirty-minute trip, twenty were spent stalking past the “Family Planning” aisle. He didn’t dare enter while other customers browsed. When he finally chose a box of rubber promises to his eager girlfriend, he clutched the package to his chest. As he rushed to finish his purchase, he vowed to write a letter of thanks to the person who had invented self-checkout. Ben escaped the store with only the slightest staining of pink on his pale skin. _

_ Dinner and a trip to the movies had gone well enough. But the whole time, all Ben could do was think through his checklist. For weeks, he'd been doing research. Research on where to kiss her, how to hold her, how to keep her. He knew how badly she wanted this. And he was terrified to disappoint.  _

_ He'd been all shaky hands and stunted breaths at first. She kept laughing at him for asking “Is this okay?” and “Are you okay?” too many times. But every time he fumbled, she'd take his mouth in hers until he was calm once more. She soothed his apprehension with her touch, then with her tongue. When she was finally wrapped around him, Ben was overwhelmed. Physically, he had never felt anything like it. Buried deep inside her, he wore a shit-eating grin at the fact he could make her moan his name like THAT. Emotionally, his need to share bodies quickly ballooned into the need to share lives.  _

_ “Best birthday ever,” she’d whispered lazily. “But really, this means we belong to each other now, yeah?” _

_ He’d almost told her right then.  _

“Hey, uhh. Thanks again.”

“Hmm?” Ben chewed on his lip, eyes still on the clock. 

“I know the scholarship has something to do with you,” Finn said. 

Ben sent a sideward glance to Rey's best friend but didn't say anything. 

“Come on, man. One day I tell Rey I'm gonna turn down UO because it'd be too expensive even with financial aid. The next afternoon I get an email congratulating me on a scholarship I didn't even apply for. The only way that happens is intervention from someone with a lot of pull. Like, I don’t know, a senator?”

Finn was right. But Ben didn't need his gratitude. He certainly didn't want the awkwardness of the recognition. He figured it was the least he could do to start righting his past. 

“Yeah, maybe. Maybe not. Congrats again on getting offered a preferred walk-on spot for the team.”

“Oh yeah, thanks. I can't believe you're not gonna be running with any teams. Who am I supposed to beat, now?”

Ben chuckled. “Eh. I've got my reasons.”

“Yeah, I heard you were gonna stick around here. What do you think you’re gonna do?”

“I don’t know. Stay with Poe at Resistance. He’s got a few projects for me there. But mainly - the plan is just to do everything to keep Rey in my life. And avoid anything that won’t.”

“Look. I would’ve never admitted this when you guys first started hanging out. But she loves you, too, you know?”

“Oh - we haven’t...we’re not there yet.”

Finn dipped his chin in disbelief. “You two really were made for each other. Exactly the same. Both terrible at hiding things.”

The car door swung open. 

“Who’s terrible at hiding things?” Rey climbed into the backseat while Rose locked up. 

Ben reached behind himself to squeeze her hand affectionately. “Don't worry about it. Just a couple of fools, Rey.”

She smiled and kissed his knuckles. “Whatever you say.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, to my beta for this chapter [@hannidae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hannidae/profile) (but also for all my life choices from now on) - you are all of Sappho's lost poems and more. This epilogue might have lived in the void of my mind with no expected arrival if not for you. _Eternally_ grateful for your friendship and encouragement. 
> 
> I’m not gonna lie - I feel really sad saying goodbye to these characters. Still going to keep writing Reylo simply because it makes me happy, but I know that Rey and Ben (and Poe!) won’t be the same versions that they are here in this fic. Maybe I’ll do a sequel? A little jump a roo even further down the line? Who knows.
> 
> Fun fact: This fic was initially meant to be a one-shot based off “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheatus. But once I started writing, I liked the premise too much to not extend it hahaha. Music + Reylo is basically my kryptonite. May or may not already have at least two more music-related fics in mind for these force-bonded babies. _(Side note: they remade one of my fave music-related films, High Fidelity, into a series on Hulu...and I ain’t mad about it. If you need a record-shop based media fix, consider this it.)_
> 
> **Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each person who viewed, gave kudos, or commented on this fic. Even those lurkers who I’ve never met, I’m happy my words got to share space with you for however short or long a moment. Slowly finding myself within writing again - and I couldn’t be happier. And it’s all thanks to you who make me feel safe enough to keep doing it.**
> 
> Since there’s no PM feature here and I’d love to keep talking with yall, find me on [tumblr](http://fromsolowithlove.tumblr.com). <3


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